A Year Later {the aftermath of a failed adoption}

One year ago I stood in an orphanage in Latvia, with my husband, and said “good-bye”.

Good-bye to a child we thought would become our daughter.

We had found this child on an orphan hosting website almost one year to the day.

And, just a few months before, that very orphanage had been the site of a joyous reunion with this child.

I remember saying good-bye … not being able to hold back tears, feeling like the room was closing in on me, and not being able to breathe. “Why God” is all I could say.

This last year has been a roller coaster of emotion … you do not come out of a failed adoption and ever go back to “normal”.

There are days I wished we would have found Miranda at a younger age – when the government would not have allowed her to just say “no” to adoption and be able to return to Latvia before we finalized.

And, as we almost knew would happen just a few short days after being happy to return to Latvia, our girl was letting us know it was the worst decision of her life. Yet, it was too late.

——————–

So, here we are one year later. And, while for most of our friends, Miranda has become a distant memory, she remains on our minds every day.

All we can say is “God’s plan is not our own”. And, while in a perfect world she would be in our arms, we know we do not live in a perfect world. Instead, we “chat” with Miranda about once a week. Thankful she was able to spend her summer with a wonderful missionary in Riga. Thankful that though Miranda has dropped out of school and is no longer in an orphanage, she was found a home to stay in, by this missionary. Miranda has also enrolled in a cosmetology school and loves it!

Yet, when the messages come in “I want to come and live with you again” – “You are my only family that has ever loved me” – it is hard … and the emotional roller coaster continues.

Some days it seems like this was all a dream. Other days the reality is right there when I wake up and find a message from Miranda on my phone.

I won’t lie … there are times when I wonder what it would be like to not be drowning in adoption debt. Debt we would not have, had our adoption finalized.

And, life goes on, Miranda will turn 17 this weekend. Not really a child anymore … especially not in Latvia. I am thankful that we were able to give her a Sweet “16” Birthday party last year before her return – the only party she had ever had for her birthday.

There is no “happy” ending … at least not in our eyes but, we know there is a bigger plan. So, we will cling to the positive news we get from Miranda and say a prayer for her every night, for this girl who still calls us Mom and Dad.

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4 thoughts on “A Year Later {the aftermath of a failed adoption}

  1. Alicia, I am so glad you wrote this post. It reminded me once again that there are some things we won’t understand this side of eternity. Your family is a living, breathing example of “walking by faith, not by sight”.

  2. My heart hurts reading this and knowing all that you wanted for her was nothing she could ever grasp. What you wanted to supply her – love, provision, guidance – was not even in her vocabulary of experience to be able to reference what that involved. And of course, once ‘home’ she missed the feeling of that love and provision, that feeling of being safe in your home. Only then did she see a bit of what you desired for her.
    I ache for her and I ache for you my friend. Only in heaven will we see this tapestry of life and what plans it held.
    Love to you!!!

  3. My heart hurts reading this and knowing all that you wanted for her was nothing she could ever grasp. What you wanted to supply her – love, provision, guidance – was not even in her vocabulary of experience to be able to reference what that involved. And of course, once ‘home’ she missed the feeling of that love and provision, that feeling of being safe in your home. Only then did she see a bit of what you desired for her.
    I ache for her and I ache for you my friend. Only in heaven will we see this tapestry of life and what plans it held.
    Love to you!!!

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